I was twelve. My family had momentarily left my hometown for a one year sabbatical. I was chubby, shy, and a new girl. I remember lying in my bed one night feeling low. I prayed to God for help to feel better. Suddenly, an overwhelming warmth spread through my body, unlike anything that I had ever felt before. I knew that God loved me, that I had more potential than I could ever possibly imagine, that I was divine and important.
I grew up Mormon and had been loved by my parents and the Church; the Church was comfortable to me. However, that was the moment that I knew for myself God was there. I also knew the Church was true as it was the teachings of my parents and many Church leaders that had led me to pray to God that night.
Many things have happened to me since I was twelve. Yet I can still feel, off and on, this amazing love that overwhelms me and awes me. It makes everything ok, even when I and everything around me seem permanently broken. It makes me see everyone surrounding me as divine beings, worthy of God’s love, worth the death of God’s beloved Son. It makes me want to keep the commandments because they are right. It shows me all the beauty in the world, from a thousand different sources, in and out of the Church. It makes me excited and happy. And on the very worse days, when the bottom of the world seems to have fallen out, it is the net that catches me. I’m not always happy, but I always know underneath, in the pit of my being, that God is there and that He loves me.
What a beautiful and heartfelt declaration AB. Your writings made me reflect on the phrase “by grace we are saved” and it’s never hit me this way before, but I think grace can be replaced with love. “By love we are saved.” God wouldn’t do anything for us (or to help us grow by giving us trials) if he didn’t love us.
Thanks for triggering that thought, it’s new to me!
That is a lovely connection, Natalie. Afterwards I thought I should have mentioned more about Jesus Christ and the Atonement, but I guess this kind of love includes that. When I feel loved like this, I feel forgiven.
I appreciate being reminded of the first early confirmations I felt, also around the age of 12. My knowledge of eternal truths have progressed since then, but that warm feeling (of being loved, of knowing truth) still feels almost exactly the same to me when it comes. So much of our journey has to do with recognizing when and how the Spirit speaks to us, doesn’t it?
I totally agree, Erica. I think everyone has to learn how to understand how God talks to them through the Spirit for themselves. No one can really teach it to you.
Thanks, AB, for a great post!
As I look back to some of my earliest spiritual moments, I also felt not only love but a feeling of great potential. And isn’t that the best kind of love? To feel and know that Someone who knows me perfectly, with my weaknesses, sins, and all, also sees me at my best and knows I can become better than I am.
Yes! The best kind of love makes you feel ok as you are and also helps you see where you can go.