The idea for this post has been on my mind ever since Mostly a Martha’s post about the BYU Understanding Same-Gender Attraction group’s video. It has taken me some time to write as I am sure to either offend someone or sound naive, possibly both at once.
I have very conflicted feelings about the issue of homosexuality. I had a wonderful gay friend in grad school. We would often talk about how being Mormon and being gay were similar; both complicated our dating lives and made us feel different than everyone else around us. I have come to the realization over time—the more I meet people and read about these issues—that a certain percentage of the population is genetically gay. It is how they are. At the same time, I really feel that children deserve—and do best when—they live with loving and supportive biological parents. (I also believe other family structures can work when the biological one fails.) I am not against homosexual couples having rights such as insurance, tax, hospital visitation rights, etc. To me, that is not the issue. I just cannot say I am for homosexual marriage because of my belief in the biological family when it is done correctly.
I was really impressed by this post about an openly gay man who is married to a woman and has three children. While I am NOT saying this is the route for all homosexuals facing the seemingly huge divide between religion, family, and same-gender attraction, a few things about this man’s experience struck me. First of all, his parents were completely supportive of him when he told them at age 11 or 12 that he was homosexual. I am amazed he could have such a safe relationship with his parents, let alone have them accept his same-gender attraction.
The second thing is how open he and his wife were about the issue—they knew each other since they were young and had many, many open discussions about it. Every homosexual LDS person needs a friend like this, one who can support them and talk openly about the issues within the context of being religious. Too many gay people have to find that support outside of the church. This kind of openness is what we should be striving for, no matter the ensuing decisions of those involved.
I have been asking myself, what am I doing to make it better? I realized I needed to change my mental reactions to people who are homosexual. I too often cringe at their differences and don’t know how to respond. If I start to accept mannerisms, then maybe they could start to feel that I care for them. It won’t decide theological battles, but it can help someone live an easier life.
We as a Mormon church have a long way to go to be more accepting of gays. Gay people deserve to feel more loved. No one should have to feel like suicide is the only way out. There have to be better answers to resolving this issue, and it starts with more open communication.
What do you think the Mormon community could do to make it better for homosexuals?
I personally think that one of the best things that can be done to be more supportive of our LGBTQ friends is to just be friends. Just as when I’m with a friend who has blonde hair or is 3 inches taller than me or who has a boyfriend I’m not constantly thinking “Oh wow, she’s taller than me. How do I talk to someone who is taller than me? What can I best do to help someone taller than me?” we should not be thinking “Oh, wow, she’s a lesbian. How do I talk to a lesbian? How can I help her?” Simply be a friend, like you would be a friend to someone who is not LGBTQ.
Thinking about their “mannerisms” (whatever that is), or, worse yet, talking about their “mannerisms” is probably not going to win friends. I hate it when people assume certain things about me based on my primary identifying factor (hair color, of course…even when those biases are probably right, because surprise! I am a super angry intense person! it’s still really upsetting to know that someone is not bothering to find that out on their own), and if I knew the person I was with was uncomfortable being around me because I have red hair and on TV all ginger-haired people are super angry, then I definitely would feel judged and disliked by them. Often we don’t KNOW if such a friend is LGBTQ, especially in the LDS church, so it’s probably important to make sure that we not make judgmental statements about the LGBTQ population at large even when we’re with our friends, because we don’t know who is silently hearing everything we say. No amount of “I love gay people” statements said to someone once you know they are gay can overcome a side remark that was said before you knew. Of course, that’s assuming that everyone holds grudges as long as I do
I guess I would turn the question back and say what can we, as a Mormon community, do to make life better for EVERYONE we come in contact with, to be open and accepting of the single mothers, the crazy cat ladies, the gingers, guys who prefer Star Trek to Star Wars, and so on and so forth? I’m a super judgey person who doesn’t really like to make life better for anyone so I have no idea, but I personally feel like if we are living truly charitable lives then “how to make life better for homosexuals” will not be an issue. We’ll just make life better for people, regardless of sexual orientation.
Agreed, being a sincere friend is the best thing.
I’m sorry if my word “mannerisms” hit a wrong chord. I’m a novice talking about this.
I do feel, though, that–even if it is a horrible stereotype–that people’s behaviors that may seem gay or construed as gay, are not seen as acceptable all the time in the Mormon community or even broader society all the time, whether the person identifies as LGBTQ or not. Society is already labeling them as such, and it’s just something we do, labeling. It might not help to label, but I don’t know how else we can identify problems. I do think it is a problem.
I sort of agree with LT, but there is a piece of me that thinks that something more is needed too, at least temporarily. In the same sense that, at the height of the civil rights movement, extra rules and programs had to be set in place to allow Blacks to move into a more equal place in society, it might be necessary to be extra accommodating to gay members who are trying to a find a place in a historically hostile environment. Especially given that some members will still be really vocal against gay members, non-hostile members probably need to be even more vocal in their non-hostility.
Once gay members start to feel safe at church, then LT’s approach of treating them like every other member is exactly right, I think.
Here is a New York Times article from yesterday that gives a broader view of the discussion on Gay Marriage and Gay Rights in the LDS church. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/12/us/dissent-on-gay-marriage-among-mormons.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
Abalyn,
Gay guy here. First, thanks for the post! I appreciate you taking a thoughtful look at this. Now some feedback – a lot of gay people don’t have ‘gay’ mannerisms. Not all of us talk with a lisp, walk with a swagger, and have limp wrists. The word for that is ‘effeminate’. There are plenty of straight guys that are effeminate – just sayin’. Stereotypes hurt everyone, so the first order of business is to ‘Stop it!’ (quoting Uchtdorf)
I think stopping hate speech in all forms is important. But I also think just TALKING about homosexuality would help. Its like Mormons are afraid to say that word. Our church culture is way too prudish when it comes to having open conversations about sexuality. So how are we ever going to have meaningful dialogue about this if we’re afraid to even broach the subject?
Then I think offering real and genuine friendship would help. I promise I’m not dangerous – I won’t grope your husband at church or somehow slurp out your children’s frontal cortex with a Silly Straw. You don’t need to be afraid of me. I’m actually really good with kids and make a killer vegetarian lasagna! There’s a lot about me to like. But I need friends INSIDE the Church, because if I don’t find them there then I will look OUTSIDE. Which is where most gay Mormons end up. Do you think the Lord is OK with that?
Thanks for your feedback and comments. I hope we all can be better friends and have more open conversations.